


About Distance

by PrincessAmericaChavez



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Character Analysis, Emotional Baggage, Episode Related, F/M, Meta, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmericaChavez/pseuds/PrincessAmericaChavez
Summary: He knows better than to love something that death can touch. It's a mistake that he won't make twice.





	About Distance

> _Be careful, oh, my darling. Be careful what it takes. For what I've seen so far, the good ones always seem to break._
> 
> _...oh the heart it wants such unimaginable things._

The thing about distance, Fjord knows, is that it makes things easier, it keeps you safe. It's better to keep yourself from getting attached to anything that life can take away in an instant. He's learnt from experience to be wary of too much happiness, anything that feels too comfortable, anything too bright or warm or familiar, because destiny will find a way to snuff out that light sooner or later. He knows better than to love something that death can touch. It's a mistake that he won't make twice.

It's simple with The Mighty Nein. He likes them all, even if he doesn't trust them as far as he can throw them (which isn't really that far to begin with) but it's good with them, like it hasn't been in years, and he would like to keep this little light for as long as he can. It won't last forever, nothing does, but he can still try to make it last, make it work. Maybe, just maybe, if he doesn't move, he can hold on to this.

There's just one issue with his plan: a little blue tiefling with no concept of safe distance or standing still. Jester, who either by virtue of growing up away from the world's cruelness or by sheer force of will seems to still hold on to the very things that life destroys. She often seems to be the embodiment of that very kindness, that happiness, that naivety that the real world tends to snuff away.

If Fjord is honest with himself, he'll admit that he's in awe of the light she seems to carry around. In a matter of days, he's seen the rest of the group melt around her. Even those with the sturdiest walls let them down for her, she's brought them all together in a way he's been struggling to accomplish. It is quite impressive.

If he's even more honest, though, he'll admit that it terrifies him. While the others are candles of hope in his life, sources of light that may guide him but which he could handle letting go of, Jester is a wild fire. He can't risk getting burned by her kindness; he fears that, if he stares too long at her light, he'll be blinded when he loses it. And Fjord will lose her, sooner or later, like he's lost everything else that he's dared hold dear.

* * *

 

Distance, he reminds himself, will keep him safe. "Don't read too much into it," he tells her, and he means it. She shouldn't expect of him something he just can't give. "Did you think it was for another reason?" He adds later, for good meassure, and maybe he's curious too about the answer, about what she might have thought of this, if things were different and he was willing to risk crossing this self imposed distance.

"No, I just- No!" She lies. He knows a thing or two about lying, it's not hard to catch. Disappointment is so heavy in her voice that, for half a second, his resolution wavers. He sees her sulk in the back of the boat and suddenly worries about what this distance may do to her. It occurs to him that he might as well become the thing that snuffs out her light. He can't bare the thought.

Lucky enough, the moment passes and Jester is back to her usual cheerfulness. Fjord feels a little embarrassed with himself, thinking that he could possibly break what life hasn't. Whatever is holding Jester's happiness together is much stronger than him, he hopes.

* * *

 

The second thing about distance, Fjord realizes too late, is that, while it might keep him safe, it also keeps him away from the very things he wants to protect.

One hit. That's all it takes (and isn't that a terrifying thought?). A single strike and Jester goes out cold on the ashy stone floor. The whole world seems to shift around him as his focus centers on her body. He is vaguely aware of the rest of the group reacting too, doubling their efforts to kill the damn cube and get to their fallen friend, and all he can think about is getting to her. He starts to move, sees Jester's body being dragged into the form, realizes with horror that he's not going to make it. He won't close the distance between in time. He is too far away. He'll lose her.

And then, Yasha is on top of the cube with her wonderful great sword and he's once again grateful to have her with them. Maybe more than ever. He sees her take down the cube, he doesn't stop running until his feet skid to a halt next to Jester and he's immediately on his knees and cradling her body against his, as close as he can until he can feel her weak breathing against his neck. He pours the potion into her lips and holds his breath until he feels her stir awake.

She calls him by another name, the one he's figured belongs to that fantasy hero that she's so obsessed with lately. He corrects her. Any other day, he might have played along to make her laugh or make a funny comment about it. There's nothing funny about this. He's holding her still very injured body in his arms, dammit, that was too close.

"It's Fjord," he insists, serious. He's not sure why it's so important all of the sudden, but he needs her to know that he's not some made up hero or a lonely girl's dream. He needs her to know that he's real, that he is here to hold her and keep her safe.

"Sorry, I meant Fjord," she dismisses rubbing her eyes and it almost hurts to be the second best option, until he remembers this is the very distance he's been building himself. Right. His masks of detachment falls back into place as he helps her to her feet.

Putting distance between them after the fact is harder than he expected. He finds himself hanging around, keeping an eye on her. He's bewildered to see Caleb of all people offering Jester a healing potion, and even more so to see her refuse it. She claims to still have healing magic, but Fjord doesn't see her use it on herself. It doesn't make much sense. 

What at least makes sense is when he overhears Molly instructing Jester to run away if shit starts going down. He sees the tiefling standing by her, fake swords drawn and determination clear in his face. That's good, he thinks. For all the things he doesn't know about Molly, he at least knows this: the man loves the cleric and will do everything he can to protect her. Fjord almost envies the candor with which Mollymauk shows his affections, the unabriged way of loving of someone who can't remember any pain or loss. He tries not to linger on it, instead focusing on the task at hand.

* * *

 

The Agathys armor fits him like a second skin, a layer of ice protecting his heart from the outside world. There's probably an interesting metaphor there, but Fjord's never been too interested in metaphors. He likes facts, tangible things to hold on to. For example, the knowledge that with this spell he is able to go into the fray and fight anything that attacks them this time.

He's ready, but nothing comes. The next door opens and all he can think is this is too easy, so he runs into the next room first, ready to be the armor between his friends and the next danger. Again, nothing, but with their luck that won't last. Which is why, when he overhears Jester and Beau he decides to intervene.

"Don't use your spell," he intercedes at the same time as Beau is telling Jester to look after herself. He agrees with the sentiment, of course, but the idea of Jester running out of healing spells makes his stomach twist. Last time, he nearly doesn't get there in time. He can't stop thinking about it, about what may happen if he is too far away next time too and he can't reach her. He needs to know that she will at least have a way to help herself if he fails.

"This seems like a waste of money."

"There's always more money," he assures Jester, insisting until she agrees to drink it. Her cheeks regain a bit of color and some of her smaller burns heal up, but she still looks worse for ware. Her reluctance to heal herself worries him more than he'd like to admit. As much as she pretends to complain, he's seen her run around keeping them all alive but she doesn't seem to be used to taking the same amount of care for herself. He makes a mental note to fix that later. For now, it will have to make do.

Concern lingers and worsens when, not ten minutes later, he sees her nearly fall over trying to reach a sword. The others are there to catch her, though, watching her back, and he forces himself to turn his attention elsewhere. Keep his distance, not let the worry of losing her become a thing. He promised himself he would never get attached like that again, he needs to remember what happens when he does.

His resolve lasts five more minutes, until a dark figure emerges from the shadows looking directly at Jester. Jester who is standing there with what's probably a cursed sword in her hands. Jester who is across the room from him. Jester who is too far away for him to protect.

A cold shiver, that has nothing to do with the ice covering his body, runs down his spine. Painful memories burn again like open wounds. It's like destiny wants to remind him how life destroys everything he holds dear, how it crushes and kills happiness and kindness and light and... everything Jester herself is.

Well, he'll be dammed if he let's that happen. He won't. He feels his sword take form inside his hand. He's ready to lose a lot of things in life, not her. Fuck life, fuck safety, fuck everything else. He's not going to lose her, he decides as he dashes forward and closes the distance between them for good.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!! Thanks for reading!! Come talk to me in my tumblr (same handle) because I have A LOT OF FEELINGS about this two, as you can probably imagine.
> 
> Also, if you feel like promoting my caffeine addiction (and therefore my writing) you could maybe buy me a coffee in my tumblr's ko-fi link ;)


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